I’ve been having an impossible time writing essays since I’ve been in Michigan. I’ve also been having a remarkably hard time doing work for my job.  I’ve felt exhausted and unable to contribute. My leading theories were that I was tired from diving, or I was getting sick. Today I woke up alert, and still couldn’t focus.

This tends to happen every so often, because I’m not one of those well-organized, well-meaning people. I get busy; I throw things on the floor. I don’t put things away. I don’t clean things up. It doesn’t bother me at all, until all of a sudden it does. Then, when it does, there’s nothing I can do other than clean. I know I won’t get anything done until it stops bothering me, regardless of how important the work is. Most people try to address this by making lists, and then saying “I’ll remember it and deal with it later.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t work for me.

Why does this happen? I’m easily distracted, and I have a good memory. The more things around me in a room that are “out of place” the more distracted I get. I see the clothes on the floor, and make the mental note that I should put them away. I do the same thing four times in an hour.  Then I remember it another four times.  I see the books stacked up, and try to figure out who I should give them to. I see the boxes, and wonder what’s in them, and if I need it. Every visual piece keeps nagging me until I eventually go address it.

Productivity gurus everywhere would tell me this is terrible. That I should just write my list, and focus on the most important task at hand. That I shouldn’t worry about all the undone things. The problem is, I actually can’t get anything done. It (unfortunately) does tend to happen when other things get done, so I deal with it as quickly as possible. As Nikki describes the cleaning version, “you go into manic cleaning mode, and two hours later everything is miraculously clean. I just try to stay out of your way.”

I spent years trying to force myself out of this pattern, but it is how my brain works. At the end of the day, I’d rather be much happier, and a little less productive. I’ll keep dealing with things as they bother me (regardless of priority), to keep myself on track.